


The One Where Archer Got Lupus (It's Not Lupus!)

by uhlemi11



Category: Archer (Cartoon), House M.D.
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:33:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22206424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uhlemi11/pseuds/uhlemi11
Summary: Sterling Archer is a total @$$. He's also a clinic patient of Dr. House.Wilson- “Congratulations House, I think you may have found your first patient who’s a bigger ass than you are."If you like my work, check out my author webpage. Thanks for reading.https://emilyuhlig.com/
Relationships: Sterling Archer/Lana Kane
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	The One Where Archer Got Lupus (It's Not Lupus!)

**Author's Note:**

> Because Archer and House need to meet.

Sterling Archer, world famous kick ass spy woke up in a pile of his own vomit, which wasn’t unusual. What was unusual was that it was green.That wasn’t unusual either, he’d had a pint of Pam’s Green russian last night (absinthe and milk)  
“Woodhouse!” Archer yelled, “come bring me another bed! One that isn’t covered in vomit!” Then he remembered that Woodhouse was dead. “Dang it, who’s going to tivo The View? And who’s going to make me breakfast?  
LANA!  
LANA!!!  
LANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  
“WHAT?????????????????????????????” Lana was right beside him in bed, he didn’t need to yell.  
“Go get a pound of butter, a gallon of milk, two dozen eggs, a bag of spinach, some black truffles, two artichokes, a pound of iberico ham, some kashmiri saffron, and beluga caviar.”  
Lana’s eyes narrowed. “That all?”  
“And some more absinthe.”  
Lana glared harder.  
“We’re almost out.” Archer belched and then passed out. 

Lana grumbles as she pushes a shopping cart around the grocery store. 

Back at Archer’s place. Lana is making breakfast. Archer wakes up.  
“Lana, I think I’m dying!”  
Lana ignores this as she turns up the speed on the mixer.  
“LANA!  
LANA!!!  
LANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  
“WHAT???????????????????????????”  
“Call 911.”  
“For serious you want me to call 911?”  
“No for cereal, you corn nut. No really, I think I’m dying.”  
“What’s the ‘serious word?’” Lana frowned. They had a serious word like other couples had safe words.  
“bl#$%#p” Archer said.  
Lana turned the mixer back on.  
“No for serious, bl%*$#p,” Archer said.  
Lana gasped. She ran to the phone.  
“Ha! Got you you *!” Archer said.  
Lana slammed the phone down.  
“No for real though, call 911,” Archer wheezed.  
Lana stood, gripping the phone, fuming, about to throw it at his head.  
Archer looked up at the ceiling, made a face like a one eyed pirate being attacked by a seagull, squawked, twitched violently to the left and then lay still.  
“Archer?  
Archer?  
Archer?  
Ohmygod,” Lana began dialing.  
“HA! Elaborate robot prank!” the real Archer appeared in the doorway behind her, holding a remote control that operated the Archer robot lying on the bed.  
Lana was so mad she crumpled the phone with one hand. .  
“Seriously though pull the trigger on that ambulance,” Archer said as he collapsed on the bed.  
“Archer?  
Archer??  
Archer???”  
He wasn’t breathing, which wasn’t unusual. Archer liked to play the 911 prank where he held his breath and pretended to pass out . She waited, tapping the broken pieces of phone with her finger. When he did not come to gasping with laughter after a couple of minutes she felt for his pulse. He had none.  
“Archer? Ohmygod!” Lana had to find a new phone.

Massive Attack Teardrop plays  
Cut to Princeton Plainsboro teaching hospital. Archer waits in the clinic with Lana and Mallory. He is drinking out of a green nalgene bottle. He looks a little green, about as green as the absinthe last night. Dr. House walks in.  
“So,” he says, reading Archer’s intake form. “You’ve been vomiting, and passing out. How much did you have to drink last night?”  
“Not anymore than normal,” Archer says.  
“Eh-hem,” Lana jabs him with her elbow, “you were double fisting pints of absinthe!”  
“Like I said,” Archer says, “not anymore than normal.” He takes a swig out of the bottle.  
House makes Archer stick out his tongue and say “Aww,” so he can stick a tongue depressor in his mouth and make him uncomfortable. Then he shines a bright light in his eyes. “You’re hungover,” he diagnoses, like he is speaking to an idiot. “Go home and sleep it off, and avoid,” he takes an air horn out of his pocket that he carries around just for these circumstances, “loud noises!” He blows the air horn.  
Huh, he notices Archer doesn’t even flinch whereas Mallory and Lana both put their hands up to their ears. Too late of course, he can only blow it once, a second time would be expected.  
“I don’t get hung over,” Archer says. He belches. House looks at him skeptically. “No seriously,” Archer says, “I had a bloody mary this morning.”  
“Ah-hem,” Lana elbows him again and glares.  
“What? And the rest of the absinthe, because it was all over the floor and I didn’t want to get ants, Lana, so sue me.”  
“Ants aren’t attracted to alcohol!” Lana says.  
“Huh, then why are they always at picnics?” Archer asks, then takes another slug out of the bottle.  
“I’m sure it’s just some new STD,” Mallory says, “just two more and you’ll have had them all. You should get a punch card.”  
“Ha ha, very funny mother.” Archer says.  
“How often do you have sex without protection?” House asks.  
“I always use protection,” Archer says, “if I don’t have any condoms then I use a candy bar wrapper.”  
Lana buries her head in her hands.  
“I have a doctor who follows a similar strategy, he just had twins, with two different mamas. What kind of candy bar wrapper? Maybe you’re allergic to peanuts,” House suggests.  
“No! I’m not allergic to anything! I have perfect DNA. Test me.”  
“Yeah, I’m sure you’d be a great dad,” House says sarcastically.  
“I AM a great dad, so thank you.”  
Lana clears her throat, “ah- hem.”  
“Is there something stuck in your throat?” Archer waves his water bottle at her.  
“You sure are drinking a lot of water,” House says, snatching the bottle and smelling it, then taking a swish. “Is that vodka?” House takes another drink, just to be sure, and then two more.  
“Like I said, not hungover, not allergic to peanuts” Archer says, “now can we get a second opinion from someone who’s not you know, crippled.”  
Lana elbows him, “Archer!”.  
“What? I mean I know he’s not brain crippled. Wait, are you?”  
House thinks for a moment, then says, “I’ll be right back.”

He returns with Dr. Wilson.  
“Who’s this guy?” Archer is taking a swig of vodka that he ends up cascading out of his nose. “He looks like Cyril but like twice as nerdy, like Cyril and Steve Slug Russell, you know, the inventor of Spacewar? Lana, LANA! LANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  
“WHAT!!!????????”  
“Where’s my phone, look up Steve Slug Russell, for serious, take a look at this guy.”  
Wilson looks back and forth between House and Archer, Archer and House.  
“Thirsty?” House snatches Archer’s bottle again and holds it out to Wilson.  
“Unless you’ve got a nurse that does refills I wouldn’t do that,” Archer says, snatching it back, just as Wilson has time to sniff. “Seriously though are there any nurses that so that? Or I could use a back rub.”  
Lana glares.  
“Don’t be jealous Lana, these are professionals.” Archer says. He winces.  
“I think I have just the think for that,” House says. “Nurse!” He opens the door and calls into the hall. “I’m going to need a lumbar puncture, or seven.”  
Dr. Krieger is hanging out in the lobby, “I can help you with that!”  
“Are you a nurse? I don’t remember mocking you before.” House says.  
“Oh no, I am a doctor,” Krieger says.  
“Of what?”  
“My medical degree is recognized by the Democratic Socialist Republic of Sri Lanka”  
House shrugs, “I don’t need to see your credentials. He needs a lumbar puncture, or however many you want to give him, and I need some popcorn.” 

Out in the hall  
Wilson- “Congratulations House, I think you may have found your first patient who’s a bigger ass than you are. And I don’t look that nerdy. Dr. Benson in Radiology is way nerdy than me.”  
“How dare you?” House says. They reach the doctor’s lounge where House has smuggled in a popcorn maker, he fills a bag. “No one is a bigger ass than me.” 

Back in the clinic room.  
“I hate to disappoint you but this won’t affect me at all,” Archer says, as Krieger’s robot readies a giant needle, then another, and then ten more.  
“Ehhh,” Lana doubts.  
“See, it only affects people with vaginas.” Lana glares and knees him in the balls. 

Cut to- outside the clinic door, Archer is screaming.  
Kreiger has a robot taking 12 lumbar punctures at once. House shovels popcorn into his mouth. 

When the robot is done, House has to select which vial to test. “Eenie, meanie, minie, mo,” he recites, landing on the sixth one.  
“What? You only needed one of those?” Archer screams from the bed. “What were the others for?”  
“Fun,” House says.

House takes the vial to the diagnostics lab. On the way back he stops to talk with Dr. Krieger.  
“We have an opening on my diagnostics team, I’d like you to come work with us.”  
“I don’t have exactly a “medical degree” “, Krieger finger quotes.  
“I’m fine with that,” House says.  
“See you Monday!” Krieger says.

The results are in from the diagnostics lab.  
“It’s lupus.”


End file.
